Becoming more emotionally mature - 5 important lessons

Sharing 5 lessons that have contributed to my emotional maturity over the years.

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Over the years, I’ve been collecting many important life lessons. These have come from books, podcasts, other people, but mostly my personal real life experiences.

I first came across the term ‘emotional maturity’ from School of Life, one of my favourite organisations.

It stuck with me ever since - it was like I found a term to describe something I felt I was going through all these years, but something more relevant than the general term of ‘personal development’.

I gradually noticed my thought patterns changing for the better, and worked on things like speaking more nicely to myself.

I do feel more ‘mature’, but more in an ‘emotional’ sense. I used to be so consumed by my own feelings that it would get in the way of things I wanted to achieve or make me spiral down into negative thoughts very quickly.

Although never perfect, I now feel like I am more in control of my feelings and thoughts.

Today I’d like to share 5 important lessons that have contributed to the growth of my emotional maturity over the years.

1. Your thoughts are not always reflective of reality.

A few years ago, I worked for an organisation that held monthly town halls.

These were events where executive members and senior leaders invited all the staff to come together once a month.

They would give updates about what was happening in the business, what the priorities were, and how we were tracking as an organisation.

My colleague and I attended the town hall together, and afterward, we caught up to debrief like we always did.

I personally felt quite positive about some of the key messages delivered and looked forward to some of the changes the company was going to implement and the new areas they were going to invest in.

But I was really surprised to hear that my colleague had a completely different takeaway.

She was quite pessimistic and skeptical about what they were promising to deliver and felt generally quite negative about the whole town hall event.

Even though we were both sitting in the same session, we walked away from the same event feeling completely different things.

This has happened to me multiple times, proving that your thoughts are not always reflective of reality.

All of us have our own unique realities, and sometimes, our experience of a situation or a person can be greatly influenced by things like our values, beliefs, and life experiences.

This concept always reminds me to take a step back and review my assumptions about things, especially in work situations.

I remember when I was in my 20s, I used to take everything so personally!

Then, I learned that different people have different working preferences and different ways they prefer to communicate.

Just because someone works and communicates differently from me, it doesn't mean what they say and do are personal attacks on me, who I am, or my work.

I have also learned to be less influenced by those around me and to follow my intuition more.

Just because someone I know had a bad experience with something, it doesn't mean I will.

Just because someone says that's the way something is, it's not always representative of reality.

I think the main thing I've realised is that we all perceive the world through our own lens and through differences that make us who we are.

It sounds kind of philosophical, but is there even one reality?!

This is probably a good time for some self-reflection. I encourage you to ask yourself these questions:

• What thoughts cause you worry and anxiety?

• Who and where do these thoughts come from?

I believe that sometimes if we experience something negative in our ‘reality’, this can be caused by negative thoughts or limiting beliefs, which can come from other people - things they’ve said to us and other’s opinions we've subconsciously adopted as our own.

2. Take care of your basic needs, especially when the going gets tough!

Last year was actually a huge year for me because I started a new job while planning my wedding…

I also had periods throughout the year where some complicated family drama happened during the busiest periods of wedding planning.

Towards the end of the year, we also had a lot of social events one after the other—birthdays, my hens party, Richard’s bucks party, and we had catch-ups and dinners with friends and family.

It was a hectic end of year period, and our actual wedding was in November.

However having said this, the wedding was one of the best days of my life! We had so much fun and all our family and friends attended.

Despite some minor hiccups, the day went really well considering that we had zero experience with wedding planning!

There were definitely stressful and difficult times leading up to the actual day, especially the four weeks leading up to the wedding.

There were lots of emails back and forth between us and suppliers, and we had to make a lot of final decisions.

Then we had to pay final invoices for many of our suppliers, as many payments were due four weeks before the wedding.

It would have been too easy to let basic good habits slip, which would have had a big effect on me. Just taking care of my basic needs was essential to maintaining my wellbeing.

I realised it was during these chaotic moments that I really needed to engage in those basic healthy habits to stay grounded and look after my health during stressful and busy times.

It wasn't always perfect—there were days I missed working out or didn't eat the best—but I really tried to stick to these following things:

1. Staying hydrated throughout the day.

2. Exercising and moving my body regularly. At one point, instead of doing the usual 30 minutes, I cut down to 20 minutes but still tried to stick to about three times a week, plus some walks with my dog Leo, which was enough for me.

3. Continuing to meal plan and meal prep. You've probably heard of this if you've seen my content before. Richard and I like to get groceries done every weekend and set aside Sunday afternoons to cook our lunches for the week and at least have an idea of what we're eating for dinner every night. We tried really hard to stick to that routine and not let it slip.

4. Getting 7 - 8 hours of sleep. I have always been a gal that needs 7 to 8 hours of sleep! I cannot function on less, so I really tried to stick to this as well.

Ensuring that my basic needs were met gave me the energy I needed to be more resilient and deal with the stresses that came with all of those things.

Remember, you can't always control the environment and what happens around you, but you can make an effort to take small steps to look after your well-being and prioritise that when the going gets tough.

If you’re reading this at a time when you are going through a hectic period, it might be a good time to reflect and check in with yourself.

What does your body need right now?

3. Move in silence.

During my 20s, another thing I was guilty of was oversharing about my life, especially when it came to starting my YouTube channel!

I would always discuss it with family and friends but never actually take tangible steps to get the channel started.

I would talk about the camera gear I was going to buy, how I was going to brand the channel, names for my channel, and why I really needed to start the channel.

I also struggled to fit into some corporate jobs during that time and always daydreamed about being a full-time content creator with a successful YouTube channel.

Studies show that if you keep talking about your goals to other people, it creates the illusion that you've already achieved them, which is scary because it makes you feel like you've made progress when you haven't.

Over the years, I've learned to keep more things private, especially when it comes to goals and achievements.

This doesn't mean I never talk about my dreams and goals with the people I trust, but I now notice it earlier when I'm constantly talking about something but not taking much action.

When I reflect on the past month and ask if I've actually taken any action to move closer towards my dreams, if the answer is no, then I know I'm falling into the habit of talking too much.

Now, I prefer to share things when I've actually achieved them, whether it's getting a new job, buying large items, or even booking a holiday.

Check-in with yourself:

Has there been anything you've overshared before the timing was right?

4. Less planning, more doing!

The most relevant example for this is also related to my YouTube channel!

I spent years talking about it and also spent time and money planning the channel.

I bought courses to learn how to use a DSLR camera properly, planners to be more productive, and watched other people's YouTube videos about starting a channel.

I must admit, the credit definitely goes to Ali Abdaal, one of my favorite productivity YouTubers for kicking my butt into gear and actually making me start.

He made me realise that when you start, barely anyone watches your videos anyway, and the only way to get better is to start. You can't improve unless you've taken that first step.

I finally got to a point where I was tired of the illusion of making progress.

Consuming a lot of personal development and productivity content wasn't actually helping me get better at things like talking to the camera, writing scripts, editing videos, and designing thumbnails.

There's a time for analysis and planning, but many of us get stuck in these beginning phases of projects, becoming too nervous or scared to apply the theory into practice.

Ask yourself these questions:

• What's one thing you've spent too much time analysing and planning for?

• What's one action you can take today or tomorrow to move closer towards your goals?

5. Beware of victim mentality

I used to have a friend who constantly complained about things in her life.

One day, it was about her job, being underpaid and overworked.

Another day, it was something personal, not getting along with family, or not having luck in the dating market.

My issue wasn't the venting—I think venting is healthy and necessary to process emotions—but it was the pattern of ‘why me?’ and sitting in a victim mentality.

According to Verywell Mind, people with a victim mentality:

“…feel as though bad things keep happening and the world is against them. They may feel that everyone else is against them, be it their partner, co-workers, or even family and friends.”

While there are things in life beyond our control, there are also things within our circle of influence that we can change, starting with our mindset, behaviors, and actions.

If you've noticed yourself falling into this, take a step back and consider these questions:

• What areas of my life could I take more responsibility for?

• How might I be contributing to the problem?

• What can't I change, and how do I make peace with it?

• What do I have the power to control and influence?

• Practicing gratitude is also important, so what is going well in my life at the moment that I need to acknowledge?

I hope this was an insightful read and gave you some things to ponder about.

Don’t forget to share your own thoughts in the comments below!

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Read my other journal entries

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Share your thoughts in the comments

Which lesson resonated with you the most and why?